As a break from Brexit gloom some puns

I can’t remember how to write 51, 6 and 500 in Roman numerals. I’m LIVID.

I went to that new Mary Poppins restaurant last night.

Super cauliflower cheese, the lobster was atrocious

I have a complex multiple personality disorder. Some days I think I'm a temptress in a Bizet opera, other days I'm convinced that I’m the head of the German Luftwaffe in WW2...

I’m really not sure if I'm Carmen or Goering... 

I'm dating a girl from the zoo

I think she's a keeper

That awkward moment when you tell a chemistry joke and you get no reaction.

I guess all the good chemistry puns argon.

Teacher: Can anyone tell me any African countries that sell Nike and Adidas trainers?

Little Johnny: Angola?

Teacher: No, just Nike and Adidas.

A friend of mine tried to annoy me with bird puns.

I soon realised that toucan play at that game.

Marvin Gaye kept a sheep in my vineyard.

He’d herd it through the grapevine....

An anagram is just a manager who can't spell.

Mussorgski's famous opera about a Russia Tsar was poorly received by critics after its first performance.

They thought it just wasn't Godunov.

On warm days, I love giant windmills.

Massive fan.

I met a transvestite from Greater Manchester yesterday...

He had a Wigan address...

A few years ago I invented beach footwear for people with one leg...

It was a flop...

I went into the newsagents and asked the guy for a Twirl and a Boost....
He span round and said 'You look great, have you lost weight ?’

I took the wife to an Indian restaurant last night. We ordered from the ‘C.S Lewis set menu’...

It’s like the normal menu only naanier...

I've written a book called 'How to be a Ladder Horder'.

It's a step buy step buy step buy step guide.

I bought an algebraic tree yesterday, it had a square root.

I tried to quickly cool some hot steel today but I lost my temper.

I hear Neil Diamond has already had 3 of his 5 fruit and veg portions today.

Swede, Carrot, Lime...

How many actuaries does it take to change a light bulb?

How many did it take last year?

They're really strict and thorough at our new shoe shop. The assistant measured my feet and barked "You're an eight!"

I had to leave - I just can't pee on demand!

I had a nightmare last night that featured Gloria Gaynor.

That’s right: at first I was afraid, I was petrified...

Went for an Indian with my family tonight.

Apparently the restaurant was once a euthanasia clinic, so while I was there I finished my naan off with a pilau.

I refused to believe my Dad got fired for Theft at his job as a road worker.

But when I got home, all the signs were there.

Will glass coffins be a success?

Remains to be seen.

Just got back from delivering a roll of bubble wrap..

When I asked where to put it.. The woman said to pop it in the corner...

5hrs it took me

Going to put on a hat with bells and dance around for 60 seconds without any repetition, hesitation or deviation.

It's Jester Minute!

Apple is designing a new automatic car, but they’re having trouble installing Windows

Just spent £300 on a limousine and discovered that the fee doesn't include a driver.

Can’t believe I’ve spent all that money and have nothing to chauffeur it.

I’m super friendly with 25 letters of the alphabet.

I just don’t know why.

Who made King Artur’s round table?

Sir Cumference

There was a kidnapping at school today

It’s OK – he woke up.

Man stood outside prison faces jail.

Congratulations to Mr & Mrs Edam on the birth of their baby, Belle.

Apple have announced a terrifying frozen product.

iScream.

The past, the present and the future walk into a bar.

It was tense.

My girlfriend broke up with me because of my passion for mycology.

I can’t understand it: she used to say I was such a fun guy.

Whoever invented the ‘Knock, Knock’ joke should get the No Bell Prize.

President Trump walked into a bar, which wasn’t surprising because Obama had raised it.

As I ran through a patch of nettles I thought ‘That’s a little rash’.

I never eat snails for lunch because in the afternoon I’m sluggish.

I listened to a bit of ‘Water Music’ earlier.

To be honest I couldn’t Handle it.

The only animal in our local zoo is a dog.

It’s a shitzu.

There was once a group of religious people who campaigned against indoor plumbing.

They were cisternshun monks.

I went to an interesting presentation at a wheelwrights this morning.

The bloke doing it was their spokesman.

Two thieves have stolen a cement mixer police are looking for hardened criminals.

My daughter just said "look Dad, there's a dalmation."

I said "well spotted."

What's green, sings rock n roll music and lives at the bottom of your garden? Elvis Cressly.