Gothic Nostril: 2019

Tuesday, 10 December 2019

One of the worst bad days

The Yorkshire Post ran a story about a boy with suspected pneumonia being treated on the floor as there was no bed for him. The story was featured on the Mirror front page.

Bad enough as that was, the Toxic Tories managed to make it worse.

First Bullshitter Boris was confronted by an ITV reporter. Johnson said he hadn't seen the picture so the reporter got out his phone to show him.

Johnson grabbed the phone & stuffed it in his pocket!

That's right, he stole a phone live on camera!

He then gave a rambling answer about Brexit before admitting that the case was shocking.

He did apologise for pinching the mobile & returned the phone he'd pocketed.

The shit storm that followed this got even worse when the Pointless Matt Hancock was sent to Leeds to look like the shambolic shits were doing something.

Then a story was reported by Kuenssberg, Preston etc that one of his aides had been punched in the face. This came from the Tory side and they didn't check.

Then a video came out showing the "punch". In fact there were a bunch of protesters and one was gesturing when the aide accidentally walked into his hand. Far from being punched it was, at best a glancing blow, and said aide didn't even react, carrying on his way.

Understandably this made the situation even worse with even the hacks who fell for the story now noting it was fake news.

As all & sundry pointed out, the tossers had tried to come up with something to distract from the whole 'kids being treated on the floor' story had been caught red-handed creating a (piss-poor) fake news story.

Wednesday, 27 November 2019

2019 Death List - Updated

Dianne Oxberry
Emiliano Sala
Dick Miller
Windsor Davies
Jeremy Hardy
Jan-Michael Vincent
Albert Finney
Gordon Banks
Katherine Helmond
Karl Lagerfeld
Peter Tork
Keith Flint
Luke Perry
Tania Mallet
Freddy Star
Magenta Devine
Charlie Whiting
Scott Walker
Mary Warnock
Ken Kercheval
Scott Walker
Rex Garrod
Tommy Smith
Lyra McKee
Peter Mayhew
Doris Day
Niki Lauda
Andrew Hall
Grumpy Cat
Jose Antonio Reyes
Daley Mathison
Paul Darrow
Beryl Segar
Rip Torn
Rutger Hauer
Peter Fonda
Barrington Pheloung
Terrance Dicks
Chester Williams
Aron Eisenberg
Jacques Chirac
Peter Sissons
Ginger Baker
Stephen Moore
Gary Rhodes
Jonathan Miller
Clive James
Shelley Morrison
Bob Willis
René Auberjonois
Marie Fredriksson
David Bellamy
Neil Innes
Tony Britton

Wednesday, 6 November 2019

The Tories 1st 24 hours

At the start of the Tories campaign:

- Rees Smugg says the victims of Grenfell died because they were too stupid

- He was defended by James Not-Very-Clever-ly

- They released a 'Fake News' video of Kier Starmer

- Welsh 1st minister endorsed candidate who sabotaged rape trial & lied about knowing about it

- Said minister had to resign

- A PPC tweeted that people on benefits should be put down

- The PM said he didn't want an election despite asking for an election 4 times

- Getting into a row about a covering-up on Russian meddling in elections

And that's all in the first 24 hours!

#ItsAllGoingSwimmingly

Tuesday, 29 October 2019

Scarring Democracy

I could be wrong, and I hope that I am, but I foresee the coming election containing more dirty tricks and viciousness than either the 2016 or 2017 polls. Johnson, Cumstain etc will employ any & all kinds of nefarious shenanigans to get back in.

Mid-December Poll problems

And the there's all the potential logistical problems that a mid-December poll could suffer. The Guardian has a good article on this Poll probems

Classic Dom

Strategy from the goons in No 10 is clear: get everybody to focus on a December election, distracting attention from the fact the blonde cod-dangle's ‘Do or Die’ Brexit attempt failed. They know we know this but they’ve got nothing else to divert attention with. #ClassicDom

Odd

So the Toxic Tories get to re-run the 2017 vote where May lost her majority (because they don’t like the parliament that resulted) but it’s too much trouble to re-run the 2016 advisory vote which must be implemented even though it’ll destroy the country?
Odd that ain't it ...

Thursday, 17 October 2019

Crazy as box of frogs

I used to think that Trumplethinskin was a bit mad with less self-control than a toddler who's ingested all the SunnyD ion the planet and followed it with a heavy session on the glue.

Now I'm convinced that the Paprika Pustule is actually a deranged, unhinged, psychotic!

This letter is shouting-at-pigeons demented!

It's also not a hoax - the WH confirmed that it's real & was sent to Turkey.

Deal?

Somehow it seems that the PM has managed to cobble together a worse deal than the last wazzock managed.

And he told the EU that the DUP were on board.

Which they aren't - until the brown envelope with a billion or two in used notes arrives when they'll miraculously do a u-turn.

But the 'deal' is essentially the one that the EU proposed several years ago and it's by no means certain that it will pass Parliament on Saturday.

After that ...

Tuesday, 24 September 2019

Snap analysis from Sky

Rees-Smug

Just imagine, imagine being Jacob Rees-Mogg.

You live out your entire adult life an Edwardian pastiche of a Tory MP.

Five minutes in the cabinet and the Supreme Court finds you’ve openly lied to the Queen to please a man you know to be a despicable cad.

Johnson loses again - this time in the highest court in the land!

Supremecourt judgement: Prorogation was unlawful!

PARLIAMENT IS NOT PROROGUED. It can meet should it wish.

Boris Johnson’s advice to the Queen was unlawful. What a position for a PM to have put a monarch.

Not been a good week so far for the Deputy Downing Street Despot:
i) Mired in a sex & sleaze scandal

ii) Found to have lied to the Queen

iii) Parliament illegally prorogued

iv) Anybody else would have had to resign over i) but Johnson will probably have to resign over ii)

Imagine spending your entire life telling lies, backstabbing, fucking mates over just to be PM & when you get there you lose six votes and are officially judged a liar & a threat to democracy by the highest court in the land.

Monday, 23 September 2019

The Deputy Despot - he can do anything & the media will love him

Must be great to be Boris Johnson: There's literally nothing he can do that assorted gammon's, acolytes, sycophants and the press (GASPs) won't excuse.

Machine guns refugee orphan kids

GASPs: BoJo gets tough on immigration / Foreign immigrants steal British Bullets

Bends the Queen over the throne during the state opening of Parliament

GASPs: Sexy GILF proves she's still got it / A right royal seeing to

Abolishes the RAF & Navy, reducing the army to an elderly regimental goat called Colin

GASPs: Parlous public finances mean tough choices

Snorting cocaine off a rent-boy's buttocks while getting a blow-job from a transvestite

GASPs: Boris proves his commitment to gay small businesses.

Flogs the NHS to US insurance firms

GASPs: BoJo in Triumphant Trump Trade Deal

Caught on camera asking if Macron would be OK if he had a 3-some with his wife

GASPs: Entente has never been so Cordial

Pisses on a disabled homeless veteran

GASPs: PM puts disgusting scrounger in his place

Caught with next 2 election results

GASPs: Brilliant Boris Wins Massive Majority

The 2019 Death List (updated)

Dianne Oxberry
Emiliano Sala
Dick Miller
Windsor Davies
Jeremy Hardy
Jan -Michael Vincent
Albert Finney
Gordon Banks
Katherine Helmond
Karl Lagerfeld
Peter Tork
Keith Flint
Luke Perry
Magenta Devine
Charlie Whiting
Scott Walker
Mary Warnock
Ken Kercheval
Scott Walker
Rex Garrod
Tommy Smith
Lyra McKee
Peter Mayhew
Doris Day
Niki Lauda
Andrew Hall
Grumpy Cat
Jose Antonio Reyes
Daley Mathison
Paul Darrow
Beryl Segar
Rip Torn
Rutger Hauer
Barrington Pheloung
Terrance Dicks
Chester Williams
Aron Eisenberg
Jacques Chirac
Peter Sissons
Ginger Baker
Stephen Moore

Tuesday, 10 September 2019

A thought: given that he's got a minority administration anyway, does Johnson NEED to the placate DUP? Indeed does he need to be constrained by Maybot's infamous 'Red Lines' either?
Ignore the former, compromise on the latter, get a different deal & fight an election on it?

Farage & his fellow travellers can & will yell but if it takes the UK out and, particularly if Johnson wins a large mandate for his deal, the BP threat to his right is neutered and there's nowt the frog-faced fucker can do about it!

Monday, 9 September 2019

0 for 6

Boris Johnson lost the latest of six votes in as many days (twice on an election he claims not to want).

Even May's tenure wasn't this shambolic!

The two votes on the election mean that a poll cannot be mounted before mid-Novemeber at the earliest.

In other news the Speaker, John Bercow, announced that he'll be standing down on October 31st. Thus spiking the plans of Andrea Leadsome et al to break convention & stand a candidate against him.

It also means that this Parliament will elect his successor. In convention the Speakership alternates between parties so should go to a Labour MP but the Downing Street Despots have shown that they don't give a flying fuck about either convention or obeying the law.

John Bercow To Stand Down

John Bercow has announced that if the house votes for an election later he’ll step down as Speaker at the election. If not, he’ll stand down on at the close of business 31/10/19.

John Bercow has done the job as Speaker with adamantine determination to defend the rights of parliament & backbenchers which he leavened by a generous portion of good humour.

He's also overseen modernisation of the House (eg installing a nursery or allowing babies in the lobby). We were lucky to have him.

Will the Downing Street Despot Break The Law?

The Queen has granted Royal Assent to the law which requires the Prime Minister to seek a Brexit extension, preventing a no-deal withdrawal.

Earlier in the day the Government announced that the Prorogation will start early: at the close of business today (09/09/19).

There's also been stories about how Johnson intends to get around the law without ending up in the slammer.

One of the more risible theories relies on using the European Human Rights Act!

Wednesday, 4 September 2019

Siri, show me what an arrogant twat looks like

I wanted either:

Bacon Rees-Smug to wake with a start, look round and whisper "Oh Boy!"

or

MPs to quietly tip-toe out & dim the lights. Then put on 'Planet of The Apes' masks & tip-toe back in & raise the lights & see how long it takes him to notice and/or run from the chamber screaming. 😈

Johnson-speak: a translation guide

If you've just turned on to the Shaved Gorilla (and Domenic Cumstain's other minions) here's a handy translator:

'Fund our priorities' - please don't ask about the funding as Saj hasn't figured out how to use the Treasury abacus yet

'Let me be clear' - I'm making this bit up as I go along so don't try and follow it, much less assume there's any coherent logic

'Undemocratic' - this is actually the opposite (and I voted for it at least once)

'Proroguing' - fucking the thing we claimed we wanted over to stop MPs following my example

'Negotiations are ongoing' - theres no negotiations & even if there were it would be for suggestions for the name of my new dog

'The people' - my advisors (generally my chums from Eton and/or the city, though not that pig enthusiast obviously)

'The will of people' -- the demented opinions of 90 thousand elderly racists who inexplicably elected me as leader

'The country' - a nice view Carrie and I can see from our bedroom window at Chequers

'Chaos' - the new normal

'Kent' - is that the lorry park place?

'The North' - somewhere above Watford where they talk funny and the food is frightful

'Aldi' - one of those German car manufacturers who are going to ride to our rescue?

'Cripes' - look you know I was shit so why are surprised it's all going Pete Tong?

'I will be consulting with my colleagues in Belfast' - I'm really looking forward to visiting the "Game Of Thrones" set and sitting in the spiky chair

'I will be consulting with the Scottish First Minister' - I'll be asking Nicolas if Jacob can open next year's Fringe with his brilliant comedy stylings

'We'll sign a fantastic trade deal' - you don't seriously think I'll be eating chlorinated chicken or hormone-fed beef do you ?

'Unelected beauracrat' - Shhh! Domenic might hear you!

'Black Lace' - one of the seminal musical talents of the past millennium

'Criminals will be punished' - not us obviously. Priti has been working on asylum in Israel for years

'My honourable predecessors' - are all bastards who have no place in our party

'The Brexit Party' - we've fucked Nigel again by simply stealing his policies and claiming they're our ideas LOL

'The Queen' - did you know she eats swans?

'Donald Trump' - look, just don't tell him anything I said about him or that head-muppet

'Emmanuel Macron' - an older women is just weird

Hahahaha - how do you like them apples dickhead?

Boris Johnson lost his first crunch vote as PM by a margin of 27 as the Commons voted to wrest his illusory control from him.

All the lies, all the threats to deselect MPs, the plan to prorogue parliament came home to roost.

After one of the most inept sessions at the dispatch box* Tory MPs had had enough. Indeed during the debate the Right Dishonourable Member for Somerset was so bored he was photographed lying across the front bench.

After the vote a bewildered Johnson, spitting like one of those weird dinosaurs in Jurassic Park, said he didn't want a election but would move for one anyway.

The trouble is he's lied so often that not a single soul in the house or indeed on the Tory benches believed him.

Not surprising since he'd sworn he didn't want to prorogue Parliament but it has emerged earlier in the day that he'd signed off on the plan 2 weeks before asking the Queen.

Corbyn was having none of it & pointedly said that he'd only back a move to amend the Fixed Term Parliament Act once the bill legally blocking no deal was signed into law.

In other words, Johnson could go boil his head.

There is some sense in this: by letting Johnson stew in his own juices the country could see what a tool he was, would blame him for the omnishambles & would then vote accordingly.

Number 10 followed through with their threat to remove the whip from, among others Sir Nicholas Soames - the grandson of Churchill. Churchill is the man Johnson imagines he is but unfortunately he'd lose out in a Churchill-alike contest to a nodding car insurance dog.

One person was happy at the end of the night - despite voting for the crook who took her down Maybot was smiling from ear-to-ear as she left.

There's a good sketch from John Crace here: John Crace sketch

It must be hard for Bellend Bozzer: he's spent his life lying, backstabbing & fucking over and the prize he so desperately wanted turns out to be a poisoned chalice that's in the hands of (ironically) an unelected beauracrat, Domenic Cumstain.

Worse, having spent alll that time fucking over, he could go down as the shortest-lived PM in history and the worse than his predecessor.

* Which included Phillip Lee switching to the FibDems live & in the middle of the PMs speech, which robbed him of his majority.

Wednesday, 14 August 2019

Great British hypocrites No 52: Amber Rudd

Amber Rudd: a hypocritical, piss-poor, shabby politician who traded her morals for a shiny company car. She's the perfect embodiment of a her master: stupid, ethics-free, venal & vicious.

Tuesday, 30 July 2019

Technological solutions

Question for the #Brexshitter #Ultras: if you are so convinced that 'technological solutions' to the border are just round the corner why the fuss over the backstop?

Surely it'll only be used for a short time. Unless of course your 'technological solutions' are utter bullshit and about as likely to come into being as Bernard Manning winning the 'porn actor of the decade' award ...

This is not democracy

Nobody voted for a #NoDealBrexit (whatever bollock-brained, serial spaff-monkey, Dimbulb Dom Raab night think)
This is not democracy.

This is a right wing coup, paid for by unelected tax avoiders and their lobbyists.