In the main our policies will just be the same as the Tories:
- To poor to eat? Fuck You!
- To old & poor to heat your home? Fuck You!
- Disabled? Fuck You!
- Young and unemployed? Fuck You!
- All phone & computer companies required by law to include GCHQ software on their products or be banned from trading in the UK & all it's dependent territories. Want a shiny new iPhone? Fuck You!
- All citizens must log into the internet by 1st entering their ID number (from the ID Cards we'll be issuing*) on to a device supplied by the Government via Capita (probably made in China).
- All people who can't trace their ancestry back to, say, 1500 will be deemed foreigners and deported 'home' or to the nearest modern approximation [One bonus of this policy is that Nigel Farage will suddenly be France's problem].** The exception will be the Royal Family, any rich oligarchs or despotic sultans from oil-rich countries.
- The BBC will be closed down and replaced by Fox News. ITV will be required to provide 24/7 game-shows & soaps to quell the heaving masses.
- The NHS will be sold off to the private sector and all staff (that haven't been deported for being foreign) will be made redundant so they can apply for exciting new opportunities in the zero-hours contract sector. Want to keep the NHS - Fuck You!
- All libraries & Museums to be sold off to the private sector who will make them leaner & more efficient. Want culture - Fuck You!
- The UK will pull out of the EU and all other institutions except the UN where we'll keep our seat & veto.
- We will re-new Trident. We'll do more than that; we'll rent tons of them from America and the army can then be cut to 1 bloke called Sean who does it between turns on ITV game-shows. We'll flog the Navy to China and the RAF to Carol Vorderman.
- We know that we need to be vigilant against criminals, terrorists and commie bastards so we'll extend 'Neighbourhood Watch' to every corner of the country with rewards for informants who let GCHQ know when a muslimic commie peado is lurking in the vegetable isle of Tesco's (actually their iPhones will probably spot him before the STASI*** operative does)
- The Police will told to focus on economic crimes as these are the ones that damage our country most of all. If they quibble we'll dangle the prospect of privatisation.
- The fire service will become the property of the insurance industry. Generating jobs in the 'Putting-Up-Shields-To-Show-You-Are-Insured business sector.
- All schools will become academies and left to the tender mercies of the open market. Want a decent education but your school is shite? Fuck You!
- Local councils will be abolished as there will be no need of them anymore. Local democracy? Fuck You!
- The environment? Well it's buggered anyway so we might as well continue as we are.
- Home going to flood? Crops dyeing? Why don't you go to your 3rd home in the Alps? What? You don't have a domicile in Switzerland? Fuck You!
- Fracking will be speeded up and protestors will have their homes demolished in search of potential gas fields.
* Worried about personal privacy? Fuck You! What have you got to hide? Are you a terrorist peado?
** This will get rid of all those Johnny Foreigners and give a massive boost to the ancestry research community.
*** Special Terrorist Assessment, Surveillance and Intelligence
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