Siri, show me what an arrogant twat looks like

I wanted either:

Bacon Rees-Smug to wake with a start, look round and whisper "Oh Boy!"

or

MPs to quietly tip-toe out & dim the lights. Then put on 'Planet of The Apes' masks & tip-toe back in & raise the lights & see how long it takes him to notice and/or run from the chamber screaming. 😈

Johnson-speak: a translation guide

If you've just turned on to the Shaved Gorilla (and Domenic Cumstain's other minions) here's a handy translator:

'Fund our priorities' - please don't ask about the funding as Saj hasn't figured out how to use the Treasury abacus yet

'Let me be clear' - I'm making this bit up as I go along so don't try and follow it, much less assume there's any coherent logic

'Undemocratic' - this is actually the opposite (and I voted for it at least once)

'Proroguing' - fucking the thing we claimed we wanted over to stop MPs following my example

'Negotiations are ongoing' - theres no negotiations & even if there were it would be for suggestions for the name of my new dog

'The people' - my advisors (generally my chums from Eton and/or the city, though not that pig enthusiast obviously)

'The will of people' -- the demented opinions of 90 thousand elderly racists who inexplicably elected me as leader

'The country' - a nice view Carrie and I can see from our bedroom window at Chequers

'Chaos' - the new normal

'Kent' - is that the lorry park place?

'The North' - somewhere above Watford where they talk funny and the food is frightful

'Aldi' - one of those German car manufacturers who are going to ride to our rescue?

'Cripes' - look you know I was shit so why are surprised it's all going Pete Tong?

'I will be consulting with my colleagues in Belfast' - I'm really looking forward to visiting the "Game Of Thrones" set and sitting in the spiky chair

'I will be consulting with the Scottish First Minister' - I'll be asking Nicolas if Jacob can open next year's Fringe with his brilliant comedy stylings

'We'll sign a fantastic trade deal' - you don't seriously think I'll be eating chlorinated chicken or hormone-fed beef do you ?

'Unelected beauracrat' - Shhh! Domenic might hear you!

'Black Lace' - one of the seminal musical talents of the past millennium

'Criminals will be punished' - not us obviously. Priti has been working on asylum in Israel for years

'My honourable predecessors' - are all bastards who have no place in our party

'The Brexit Party' - we've fucked Nigel again by simply stealing his policies and claiming they're our ideas LOL

'The Queen' - did you know she eats swans?

'Donald Trump' - look, just don't tell him anything I said about him or that head-muppet

'Emmanuel Macron' - an older women is just weird

Hahahaha - how do you like them apples dickhead?

Boris Johnson lost his first crunch vote as PM by a margin of 27 as the Commons voted to wrest his illusory control from him.

All the lies, all the threats to deselect MPs, the plan to prorogue parliament came home to roost.

After one of the most inept sessions at the dispatch box* Tory MPs had had enough. Indeed during the debate the Right Dishonourable Member for Somerset was so bored he was photographed lying across the front bench.

After the vote a bewildered Johnson, spitting like one of those weird dinosaurs in Jurassic Park, said he didn't want a election but would move for one anyway.

The trouble is he's lied so often that not a single soul in the house or indeed on the Tory benches believed him. 

Not surprising since he'd sworn he didn't want to prorogue Parliament but it has emerged earlier in the day that he'd signed off on the plan 2 weeks before asking the Queen.

Corbyn was having none of it & pointedly said that he'd only back a move to amend the Fixed Term Parliament Act once the bill legally blocking no deal was signed into law.

In other words, Johnson could go boil his head. 

There is some sense in this: by letting Johnson stew in his own juices the country could see what a tool he was, would blame him for the omnishambles & would then vote accordingly.

Number 10 followed through with their threat to remove the whip from, among others Sir Nicholas Soames - the grandson of Churchill. Churchill is the man Johnson imagines he is but unfortunately he'd lose out in a Churchill-alike contest to a nodding car insurance dog.

One person was happy at the end of the night - despite voting for the crook who took her down Maybot was smiling from ear-to-ear as she left.

There's a good sketch from John Crace here: John Crace sketch

It must be hard for Bellend Bozzer: he's spent his life lying, backstabbing & fucking over and the prize he so desperately wanted turns out to be a poisoned chalice that's in the hands of (ironically) an unelected beauracrat, Domenic Cumstain.

Worse, having spent alll that time fucking over, he could go down as the shortest-lived PM in history and the worse than his predecessor.

* Which included Phillip Lee switching to the FibDems live & in the middle of the PMs speech, which robbed him of his majority.

Great British hypocrites No 52: Amber Rudd

Amber Rudd: a hypocritical, piss-poor, shabby politician who traded her morals for a shiny company car. She's the perfect embodiment of a her master: stupid, ethics-free, venal & vicious.

Technological solutions

Question for the #Brexshitter #Ultras: if you are so convinced that 'technological solutions' to the border are just round the corner why the fuss over the backstop?

Surely it'll only be used for a short time. Unless of course your 'technological solutions' are utter bullshit and about as likely to come into being as Bernard Manning winning the 'porn actor of the decade' award ...

This is not democracy

Nobody voted for a #NoDealBrexit (whatever bollock-brained, serial spaff-monkey, Dimbulb Dom Raab night think)
This is not democracy.

This is a right wing coup, paid for by unelected tax avoiders and their lobbyists.

The 2019 Death list (updated)

• Dianne Oxberry
• Emiliano Sala
• Dick Miller
• Windsor Davies
• Jeremy Hardy
• Jan -Michael Vincent
• Albert Finney
• Gordon Banks
• Katherine Helmond
• Karl Lagerfeld
• Peter Tork
• Keith Flint
• Luke Perry
• Magenta Devine
• Charlie Whiting
• Scott Walker
• Mary Warnock
• Keith Flint
• Ken Kercheval
• Scott Walker
• Rex Garrod
• Tommy Smith
• Lyra McKee
• Peter Mayhew
• Doris Day
• Niki Lauda
• Andrew Hall
• Grumpy Cat
• Jose Antonio Reyes
• Daley Mathison
• Paul Darrow
• Beryl Segar
• Rip Torn
• Rutger Hauer
• Barrington Pheloung
• Terrance Dicks
• Chester Williams
• Aron Eisenberg
•